


take me to church

by sinteresting_facts



Series: Afterthoughts (WoW RP and OC Stuff) [2]
Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Alternating first and third POV, Gen, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internal Monologue, Psychological Trauma, Rape is mentioned but not described or explicitly stated, Trans Male Character, gratuitous cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 03:46:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14127378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinteresting_facts/pseuds/sinteresting_facts
Summary: The aftermath. Bad coping 101, and some 'eh' coping.





	take me to church

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place a few days after Schae was tortured in that church behind Karazhan. Mostly an excuse to explore how Schae thinks without filtering.

Schae woke slowly, awareness creeping through his limbs as his mind began turning once more. He rolled over onto his back, and groaned, the sound vibrating through his chest. At the point where he was too awake to fall back asleep but too tired to kickstart his brain, the pain returned. His eye, his throat, his leg, his arms. Some burned, others ached, others felt like he'd been torn apart and put back together again. He practically had been, from what he could remember. 

 

His stomach dropped at the thought of the past few days' events and his breath stalled for a moment. Nope. Fuck that. No thinking about it. 

 

The world sharpened quickly after that. 

 

He lay there for a few minutes, staring dully at the ceiling, not really thinking much of anything. _Alright. Alright. What do I do. Get up? Yeah ok that's an option. Pros? Find someone, get something to eat–nah not fucking eating that's not going to work with this fucking situation. Get dressed. Yeah that works. Cons? Pain pain pain pain. Wait but Lowell could fix that, no what the hell is wrong with you bitch don't ask them for anything else. They've done enough, you really going to be that selfish? Ok no. Fucking-wait what do I do if I get up. Trying to leave didn't work very yesterday, did it. Shit, I don't know anybody else here. I need to get to Stormwind, to Charys and Ketchall, then I can stay in one place and wait this out. Wait is Aatto in town? No he's not fuck he's in Ashenvale with Thuros. Fuck this eye hurts, and itches, I can't even see out of it, blurry fucking bullshit._

 

He touched his eyelid, noting how swollen it still was and began to scratch it. Impulse control kicked in a second later. _WAIT no that was fucking idiotic of me. Don’t touch it._ He dropped his hand onto his chest, absentmindedly feeling around the surgery scars. It was something he’d started doing years ago, when he first transitioned, and kept doing out of habit. 

 

_Goldrinn, Lowell didn't get it, do they not know? How could they not? They're trans too, or at least probably. I assume that's why they use those pronouns. What the fuck–do I pass that well? My voice is barely past mid range and I'm shorter than most of my female friends. And it's not like I'm the peak of masculinity anyways. Well I guess, fuck, I hope I do pass, or those years of therapies and shit would be useless. But I still get called lass, which honestly BITCH? That's a fucking stretch my shoulders are broad as a motherfucker, even if I'm tiny. I should just suck it up and stay in worgen form, oh fuck can I even shift? Ugh no no that hurts just thinking about it. I need to lay low, I can't have a sudden transformation because my wolf instincts are like "oh no a baby nightsaber! Yeah let's just transform and blow all these tender scars to bits and fuck up my knee more because of a feral kitten." Light. Aw fuck my hair._

Schae felt his eyes prick with tears, and he let out a warbly sigh. _Grow up pussy. You have bigger issues. Do I though? Light, I can't even look at myself without being reminded of-_

 

He felt his heart rate speed up, and his throat shut, eyes still wet. He choked as he tried to swallow, cursing silently. _Fuck me-I need to figure this out, I'll need to eat eventually. Ugh._ He sat up, slowly, and tried to swallow again, carefully this time, muscles in his mouth working around the empty space uselessly. He tipped his head back, coughing closed-mouthed, and tried again. It worked, mostly, and he felt his throat loosen a bit, and he took a deep breath. 

 

_Ok, so I have to look like a bloody idiot but I can swallow. It'll be ok. It’ll–_ The reality of this new normal hit him again, then, and he grit his teeth painfully. _Fuck._ He thought, _fuck I can't-what am I going to do? I'm never going to speak again. I'm never going to, I'm going to be-fuck, it's like that time in Silvermoon, when that client, he-_ He closed his eyes tightly as he could and shook his head, leaning over his lap and pressing his forehead into his palm, suspending himself. His shoulders shook as he cried, making small hiccuping noises. _S'fucking useless, I have to stop thinking. I have to._

He managed this for about thirty seconds before his eyes snapped open. 

 

_Wait. Like Silvermoo–Did he? Oh light. Oh light oh light no. Fuck I don't remember everything, I, oh light no please no. Can death knights even impre-no don't fucking think that. No. Fuck no. Oh light. No no no no._ The remaining base of his tongue convulsed as Schae felt his stomach heave. His chest tightened. _I need to ask someone -no DON'T do that. I can't let anyone know–God I need to get out of here. I need to move._

 

He pushed himself out of the bed, bad leg hitting the ground first, and he stumbled out of bed. His knee throbbed as he ran sloppily to the balcony. The wood was damp under his hands when he grabbed it and curled over it, breathing heavily. 

 

_Ok ok ok ok, let's go through it. Just fucking think it out breathe normally you bastard._ Schae tried to steady his breathing, and had to take a few gulps of air before he managed to settle his heart rate a bit. _That...System is still in me, it's still operating, but I have, No. Logically no. It shouldn't happen. But Light I have to know. Please please please please please._ He stood there leaning heavily onto the railing, curled over for a few moments. He didn't have a clue as to how he could check. He straightened his back, after awhile, and pushed the palms of his hands to his temples, fingers curled. A breeze picked up, whistling through the open air terraces of Darnassus. He stood there, and

_Shit. What am I going to do._

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments or critique are appreciated!!! I've tried to do the necessary research while still taking just a few artistic liberties, but if I fucked anything up pls let me know <3


End file.
